Nuella's Words

"I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still" – Sylvia Plath

The Discomfort of Becoming

“The way to deeper knowledge of God is through the lonely valleys of soul poverty and abnegation of all things.” – A.W. Tozer

I am broken to the point that I can be filled and full to the point of breaking.

That’s what happens when Abba says, “I’m not done with you just yet”. He says, “I have yet to teach you how to abandon yourself; so you will drown in the ocean of self then I will let out My hand to save you, let out My breath to give you new life that will fill your lungs, heart and entire being. I will teach you of Myself but first you must be broken. This is how you can expand, beloved. This is how you can expand to receive all my fullness- that my love may be complete in you.”

Moments of the most piercing clarity of the supremacy of Christ have come from the moments of highest despair. When I have reached the end of my rope, the Prince of Peace comforts and completes. At these stop signs, I’ve learnt the true meaning of surrender, of love, of hope, of supplication, of wonder and of growth: it is the sacrifice of Christ making us one with God. It is the sacrifice of Christ making us whole.

“Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven”. Matthew 5:3

//The Journal Series 3/10/14

 

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Five Stages of Grief (for Baga)

Bogobiri, 22/01/15.

‘Five Stages of Grief
(for Baga)’

This isn’t the best quality because my friend was taking the video all the way from the back of a packed room. But hopefully you can hear the words clearly. I’ll probably put up the written version later. Oh, and happy new year 🙂 

Love xx

for those whose hearts are always open:

know that there will be days you’ll wake up and feel the dull ache of something terrible deep in your chest. get up. breathe. let the sun come in. keep going.

it’ll get better and you will realise the world really does keep spinning when you thought all was lost.

you will realise that there are still smiles reserved for you and hearts that adore yours.

you will see there is warmth yet left for your skin and love yet left for your soul.

you will learn that you are indeed a being that breaks yet heals. brilliantly. unashamedly.

you will stand weeks, months, years later-
whole, thriving, wiser, complete, and it will dawn on you:

you survived.

© nuella onyilofor 2014

faith is this:
that even in my unbecoming,

i am becoming.

© Emmanuela Onyilofor 2014

flowers in bombs
-for the Chibok girls

we pick up death weapons and make them beautiful
we take rocks and draw stick figures on rusty machetes
like chalk on a board
like crayon on paper
wash them off later
and then we draw a rainbow
the type we used to see in hand-me-down books
in school, books with missing pages
and really, that was okay
we filled the blanks in with our own stories,
just like we fill the blank days now with our own pictures

of dirt roads and sun

-and the pained love mama now doles out to us
as though each dose may raise papa to life
as though each dose might keep sister alive,
as though each dose will keep them from taking us too
‘bring her back, bring her back’
(we heard her sob last night)

..in the field yesterday,
we found empty bomb shells.
we picked them up and planted flowers in them:
one for sister and one for papa,
(who died looking for her).

 

© Emmanuela Onyilofor 2014

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